Saturday, April 16, 2016

I'm Watching My Body

I'm watching my body....'MY' body - this thing that I'm stuck inside and dragging around the world. Well, actually, 'the world' would be a gross overstatement, as I drag it around the house, from my bedroom to the bathroom, and out to the porch, where I spend most of my time. 

And 'dragging' too, would be a mis-statement, as no dragging is involved. IT drags, and I watch it, the big, bumbly thing, that sometimes appears to wobble a bit and almost fall over.

I have this general perspective, of being more or less somewhere IN this thing. I see out of its eyes (although not that well anymore) and hear through its ears (not able to distinguish most of the things that are heard).

It REALLY doesn't function very well anymore. The finer senses are very dulled, and even the baser senses are hampered in their functions.  If I drove a car, I would have LONG since bought a newer model. But I'm stuck with this one. Stuck IN this one.

I see other bodies 'out there', which is partly 'in here', in the totality that is Awareness. But the experience is of being primarily in THIS one - the one that has decided to embrace pain! 

'Pain' is a fascinating thing. Basically just a sensation, but with its own unique quality. Years ago, someone asked me "How to deal with chronic pain". I didn't have an answer, or at least, I don't remember what I said. I couldn't relate. I had pain like everyone else back then - occasional and mostly mild. 

Now, it IS my life.  From the moment I rise to the moment I am blessed with those 4, 5, or 6 hours of mostly non-awareness in sleep, pain is what this body embraces.  Now I'm watching the body 'whine and complain'. It does that too, I think because it both wants attention for the pain and it also feels guilty for the pain AND for the various methods it utilizes to minimize that pain.

I used to tell people to 'accept everything!' Embrace everything!  I might have been an asshole!  I didn't mean to be, but I couldn't understand.

It's still not a bad thing, to surrender. It's a great thing to surrender. But does surrender mean to surrender TO the pain, or to the fact that you HAVE pain, and then do something about it. 

If I surrender TO the pain, all I can do is curl up in a ball and pray for death. But nobody around here seems to want me to die; they say it's a quality of life thing - take the drugs!  So I take the drugs. They help some...for a few hours.

I don't know what I was expecting.  Duhkhalayam Asasvatam, the Gita says - This world is a temporary place, but filled with miseries. 

I am NOT this body. I am Awareness. But that Awareness is aware of pain!  Bummer!

But above everything else, the pain guides ME to surrender. If I have some illusion that I might be able to 'enjoy' in this world, in this body, the pain reminds me "Prepare for death! Are you ready? It could come at ANY moment."  Like the proverbial Boy Scout, it reminds me to "Be Prepared."  So I try to be prepared.

How DO you prepare for death?  It IS inevitable, you know.  No one gets out of here alive. Abrahma bhuvanal lokah punar avartino 'rjuna - from the topmost planet to the lowest, ALL are places of repeated birth and death - again and again.

Ante narayana smritih - At the end, remember God. My spiritual master taught me to remember God, by chanting God's names, in every moment - Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare.

I recognize that you can't just do it AT the moment of death. You probably won't remember. So practice. Practice for the moment of death. That death WILL come; Maybe tomorrow or maybe a decade. But it's watching you...waiting for you. Be prepared. So I chant it on my beads; I sing it on my guitar. It makes me VERY happy.

I think I'd be happy if the pain went away. But I know what would happen. I'd start to think I can enjoy in this body. I would TRY to enjoy in this body and forget about God.  And I don't want to forget God - never ever. I want to LOVE God. I want to Surrender to God, and I definitely want to Remember God.

"Always remember God and never forget God; All the other rules and regulations are the servants of those two." The puranas tell me this. So THAT'S what I do. That's what I try to do.  Remember God by chanting His/Her names - Hare Krsna - Feminine and Masculine - Goddess and God. "Please let me serve You! Please let me remember You! Please let me remember Your transcendental names!"

I watch my body. I watch my mind. But mostly, it reminds me to watch God. Thank you, body. Thank you, God.

हरे कृष्ण हरे कृष्ण कृष्ण कृष्ण हरे हरे    
हरे राम हरे राम राम राम हरे हरे


  1. Yup. Pain is a GREAT opportunity to be present. and I like it better when there is no pain or less pain. but I like pain just fine too.

    all I do is show up and surrender.. over and over.

    1. Choiceless choice?! What's that sign? "Karma's a bitch!" :-D